Category : Photo Stories

It’s been a cold January with temps dipping into the single digits and freezing my nuts.

I don’t like being cold, but we all have to do everything we can to reduce our carbon footprint.

I don’t want to be heating with electricity that is generated with coal, oil or gas. I am also reluctant to burn wood. Trees suck up CO2 and we should be growing them, not burning them.

I needed to find an alternative. The answer was sitting in corner of my kitchen. My garbage.

Years ago, when I was an environmental consultant, the firm I worked for was hired to study the composition and BTU value of trash. For an entire week during winter, spring, summer and fall, a coworker and I collected samples of garbage at the Brookhaven Landfill on Long Island. There were a lot of porn magazines and billions of diapers.

Garbage, depending on its composition, has quite a high BTU value, so I decided to save the planet and heat my home with garbage instead of fossil-fuel derived electricity. It was win-win. I’d be keeping the trash out of the landfill and I wouldn’t be supporting the coal, oil or gas industries.

My problem is that I don’t produce enough garbage. I needed more.

Trucks loaded with garbage pass my house every day on their way to the county transfer station.

I thought “what a waste, I could really use some of that,” so I flagged down a truck and made a deal with the driver. For $50 a week he agreed to keep my garbage container full.

It’s worked out great. I’m never short of raw garbage. Every few days I roll a full container into the house and dump it into one of the bins I built next to my fireplace.…

I tried vegetarianism, fruitarianism, airitarianisms and ice creamiterianism but nothing has kept me healthier than caviar. It is all I eat.

Of course I don’t eat it right out of the tin all the time. Just when I’m working on my computer, watching TV or driving.

As delicious as it is right from the tin, it’s fun to make dishes out of it. In the mornings I like to make caviar smoothies with yogurt and yellow mustard. Then I usually just snack all day. There is always an open tin nearby and people tell me how nice and fishy I always smell. I sometime use a spoon but mostly just eat with my fingers. The oils are excellent for my nails and preventing cracked, split skin I often get in winter.

At night is when I get creative cooking up everything from caviar gumbo to marshmallowed caviar balls fried in extra virgin olive oil. (I’m starting to get a caviar belly.)

The only problem is the expense. Caviar isn’t cheap. I’ve already sold my car and drained my 401K. I have seven credit cards which I can max out but that won’t last forever, so I decided to cultivate my own caviar.

I got some sturgeons and made a deal with my neighbors to keep them in their pond. They are doing quite well. They’ve eaten all leeches and have cleaned out the snails. Now keep them fed with fly larva, which is very easy to raise. I just collect road kills and skim off the larva. In the wintertime I have to keep the roadkills in my basement where it’s warm. (The flies love it.)

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It works for cavities why not acne?

There is always a little controversy surrounding fluoridation of drinking water, but authorities don’t really give a shit. If you drink municipal-supplied water you’re going to get some fluoride to protect your teeth and that’s that! We do not want a population of toothless rubes ruining our reputation in the world.

If you are on a well, the CDC recommends adding a teaspoon of toothpaste to a glass of warm water and chugging it down first thing every morning. Minty toothpastes are the best. I usually add a couple teaspoons of sugar and some lemon juice.

Tastes great. I look forward to it every morning.

While it still immensely profitable, executives at United Fluoride were pressured into boosting profits when they were acquired by Biegazoles, a hedge fund.

Executives being executives delegated the responsibility to their staff.

The staff had no frigging idea what to do and turned to the firm’s fluoride scientists.

After extensive literature search, attending multiple fluoride conferences and writing letters to advice columns, they too were flummoxed. That is until a junior scientist, Dr. Abigail Wichtaw, described how her son would use tap water in his facial steamer to control his acne.

That was the answer they were looking for, fluoride aerosols.

Knowing that quarterly profit reports were due, the scientists skipped all the bothersome experimenting, paper writing and debate and brought their conclusions to management.Management turned it over to its marketing department and immediately began lobbying the CDC, FDA and EPA to endorse its findings. Things move slowly in Washington but if you connect with the right people you can get things moving.

Within a month it was determined that fluoridated air was in the public interest and laws were passed requiring all municipalities to add fluoride to the atmosphere in sufficient quantities to maintain 100 ppm concentrations.…

The Black Rock monastery is carved into a massive rock mountain, deep, deep in the Everglade. It is an isolated and forbidding place.

Its lookout tower soars high above the secretive entrance to the monastery and has a 360 degree unobstructed view for hundreds of miles. It is manned 24 hours a day by Black Rock monks equipped with laser-guided gas grenade launchers.

Anyone who comes within view of the rock is immediately gassed with hydrogen dioxide oximalithate which renders them slightly dazed and dreamy. They often wander off into the glades only to be swallowed by a python.

Nothing is known about the monks except who they are, all their names and social security numbers, where they are from, the names and addresses of their relatives, what they do in that rock and their secret handshake.

They are of an ancient order dating back to the origin of man, around the time our species was launching its extermination spree, beginning with the gentle neanderthals and wooly mammoths. Their quest is to eliminate every plant and animal that can’t be eaten, make you high or used to make a profit.

They’ve been very successful.

It’s quite comfortable inside the Rock. Every monk has his or her own niche with a waterbed and a lava lamp. They spend half their day meditating and eating. The rest of the day is dedicated to identifying vulnerable species and determining the most efficient way to eliminate them.

Their quest has become easier and more difficult at the same time. By the time they identify a species worthy of elimination, it becomes extinct before they even take action.

They don’t even bother anymore.

They found the easiest thing to do is to set up a dark money PAC and funnel obscene amounts of cash to conservative political candidates.…

Don’t call him a pied piper. He’ll punch you in the crotch. He sees himself more as an assassin.

When the pandemic hit in 2020 Reednik, TX  out on the edge of the Chihuahuan Desert started seeing an influx of remote workers, mostly techies from California.  Reednik is a decent town with excellent infrastructure and a low cost of living.

At first locals were OK with a few new neighbors.  They added to the tax base and shopped locally.  They didn’t overcrowd the schools and had entertaining beards.

Once word got out more and more of these folks moved in and things started changing.  One of the newbies started a health food store.  Another newly arrived young couple opened a vegan restaurant.  They all started hanging out at the local coffee shop reading the New York Times on their iPhones and playing GO.

The town had a liberals infestation and they knew they needed to do something about it before the libs started voting each other onto the school board and town government.

The mayor and council convened a secret emergency meeting to discuss what to do.  The council overwhelming wanted to just shoot them which would be perfectly legal under the State’s Stand Your Ground Law.   It was their ground and these libs were definitely threatening.

The mayor vetoed the shooting, though.  It would be too messy.  Blood is hard to clean, especially in hot weather. Instead he brought in Alessandro, the Lib Eradicator.

Alessandro is an underground legend in Texas.  He’s cleared out libs from towns across the state and likes desert towns the best.

He fetches $10,000 per day and is worth it.  It rarely takes him more than a day to do his deed.

He starts innocently strumming a few melodies at hip coffee shops on a Sunday morning after the Sunday Times has been delivered and the places are packed.…

Cicadas emerge every year, burrowing up from the soil, molting their old carapaces then taking to wing to find a mate. It’s a one shot deal. Each year is a different brood. This past year, 2021, it was the legendary Brood X, the biggest brood of all.

In late spring/early summer about 30 million billion of these happy, horny bugs emerged and went nuts, flying around, singing and fucking.

What’s not commonly known about them is how sweet they are.

Wally found out about this and got a brilliant idea. Why not milk them see what you get.

After some experimenting, he perfected tiny little milking machines and could hook up hundreds of the juicy bugs at a time. Once milked they were released to go about their “business”. Wally collected gallons of the bug juice, boiled it down a little to make it thicker and added some cinnamon for a little extra flavor.

At first people were reluctant to try any, but Wally was persuasive and had an ace in his back pocket. He let people try a teaspoon to see how good it was. After a few minutes the nectar started making them feel warm, a good warm. They felt dreamy and relaxed. Colors became more vivid, sounds more distinct, aromas more intense and pleasant. They wanted to find someone to love.

Naturally they bought a jar of the nectar even though it was priced a $250.00 a pound. The jars ranged from one to five pounds. The five pound jars sold out first.

Wally made out well. He’s just hoping he’ll be around in 17 years to do it again. He kept a few pounds for himself to make the wait more enjoyable.…

A few years ago, everyone was freaked out about electromagnetic radiation. Being in an electromagnetic field (EMF) too long would turn your insides to jelly or so they said.

It doesn’t.  It mainly only affects the brain.  It does turn it into mush, it makes it mushier and in a good way.  None of this has been studied or proven but who are you going to believe?

Thoughts are billions of tiny electric sparks jumping from neuron to neuron.  If you look at yourself in the mirror in a dark room and think really hard you can see this electrical activity in your eyes.

As the old saying goes “Eyes are the windows of the brain.”  That’s why you can tell if someone is really pissed at you.  Their pupils are like an electrical storm.

Scientific papers on brain neurology make no mention of this, so we know it’s true.  It’s always what they don’t say that we can trust.  It makes just sense that if we can artificially increase electrical brain activity, we’ll be smarter.  And if we’re smarter, we’ll be richer.

Who doesn’t want to be rich?  Even rich people want to be richer.

I want to be rich and smarter, too, and decided to get my brain some good electricity.

I don’t have an electric truck so I can’t get my EMFs while I drive.  Instead, I built a sturdy little bungalow under some high-tension lines and lived in it for a week. 

Talk about catching a buzz!!  The hiss and crackle above my head made me feel like I was in Dr. Frankenstein’s lab being reanimated.  My hair stood on end the whole time and my genitals vibrated.   I knew something big was happening.

I had taken a home IQ test before stepping into my shack and registered an impressive 78. …

It isn’t true that the colonist wipe out native cows. They are relatively small, their numbers are greatly reduced, but they can still be found in certain areas if you know how to look.

Very often they are mistaken for deer. They are the same color but are squatter, have shorter, thicker necks, horns instead of antlers, long tails and they fart a lot.

Their scat is significantly different, too. Deer poop consist of pellets and look a little like Milk Duds. They have a gamey taste which varies between summer and winter depending on what the deer are eating. They are sweeter in summer and chewier in winter.

Wild cow poop is larger and frequently full of gravel or stone. They eat gravel and stones to help them grind up their food which consists of bark, wood, leaves, snails, ferns, mushrooms and pretty much anything slow enough for them to catch and eat. Their poop is almost flavorless but has a strong bouquet, reminiscent of a leaking septic system.

Hunters sometimes mistakenly blast one but then leave it be. If you shoot one it lets out an incredible amount of hydrogen sulfide which will make you pass out and possibly die if you are too close and get a big whiff. Hydrogen sulfide is also highly flammable and native cows frequent explode if shot at close range (less than 100 feet.). The entrails are extremely sticky and will permanently ruin a nifty hunting outfit.

Pennsylvania Game Commission posts warnings about shooting wild cows on State Gameland properties and has videos on its webpage on how to recognize them. Despite the dangers of shooting them and the awful taste of the meat, they are in season from Oct 15 – Dec 15.

For hunters who enjoy exploding game, Cabelas sells fashionable wild bovine hunting outfits.…

There was a time when if you wanted to wipe out all the living creatures in your house had to wrap it up and pump in sulfuryl fluoride or some other equally lethal gas. Horrible stuff. Bad for the environment, bad for people. Just bad, bad, bad.

Dietrich has an alternative. It’s an all-natural, organic, wholistic, pet-friendly , low-cost, effective approach.

He calls it “Fungteria®.” It’s his own invention. No toxic chemicals, no fumes, no tent, no EPA approval.

Fungteria® is a proprietary blend of fungal spores and specially cultured bacteria. All it takes is one treatment and you are protected for at least five years, maybe 10, maybe forever. It hasn’t been tested.

Dietrich provided me with a brochure that explains the process. No matter what pests you have this will take care of it. Roaches, termites, fleas, lice, spiders, flies, wasps, stinkbugs, mice, rats, mites, snails, mold, mildew, dandruff, lichen, athletes foot, slime, snakes, squirrels, moths, worms, maggots, bedbugs, tics and germs are just a few of the pests that Fugteria will annihilate with just one treatment.

And it is all done from outside. For only $99 Dietrich will spray your entire house with Fungteria. It will quickly begin growing. Within a month it will find it’s way into your entire house and wipe out everything you don’t want.

Except for the initial treatment, it’s odorless, tasteless and invisible. You won’t even notice it’s there, but you will notice how pest-free your home is. I had it done at my house. It’s amazing. Everything is dead. How wonderful is that?

The kids are fine, the pets are fine (except the pet mice). We’re very pleased. This stuff is going to be big.

Dietrich is currently working on a version for farm and gardens. Imagine the possibilities for humanity. Pretty soon the entire world may be benefiting from Fungteria.…

Now that it costs about $500 to fill your truck, many pick-em-up drivers are making the leap to electric even if they have to do it themselves.

Larry and Earl, brothers who live in out in Kebunk County, Iowa, did not want to shell out $40-60 grand for an electric truck when they knew they could build their own. They’d seen plenty of YouTube videos and it really wasn’t that hard as long as you could get the parts.

They spent several months salvaging a motor here and an electric component there until they had everything they needed, plus some spares. They flipped a coin, decided to convert Larry’s truck and went to work putting everything together. They’re both pretty handy with a screwdriver.

They decided the best option would be to build a plugin rather than a hybrid and they knew they’d need to charge it up while on the road.

It took a few tries. The first truck would short out if there was as much as a heavy dew. The subsequent model was water proof but only got 1 mile per charge. Eventually, they perfected their home made electric truck and and are rightfully proud of it.

It only gets 100 miles per charge which would be a problem for an electric truck that needs a charging station, but theirs can be charged anywhere they can find a pole-mounted transformer. They just climb the pole and clip leads to the bare wires that lead to the transformer.

What could go wrong?

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