I tried vegetarianism, fruitarianism, airitarianisms and ice creamiterianism but nothing has kept me healthier than caviar. It is all I eat.

Of course I don’t eat it right out of the tin all the time. Just when I’m working on my computer, watching TV or driving.

As delicious as it is right from the tin, it’s fun to make dishes out of it. In the mornings I like to make caviar smoothies with yogurt and yellow mustard. Then I usually just snack all day. There is always an open tin nearby and people tell me how nice and fishy I always smell. I sometime use a spoon but mostly just eat with my fingers. The oils are excellent for my nails and preventing cracked, split skin I often get in winter.

At night is when I get creative cooking up everything from caviar gumbo to marshmallowed caviar balls fried in extra virgin olive oil. (I’m starting to get a caviar belly.)

The only problem is the expense. Caviar isn’t cheap. I’ve already sold my car and drained my 401K. I have seven credit cards which I can max out but that won’t last forever, so I decided to cultivate my own caviar.

I got some sturgeons and made a deal with my neighbors to keep them in their pond. They are doing quite well. They’ve eaten all leeches and have cleaned out the snails. Now keep them fed with fly larva, which is very easy to raise. I just collect road kills and skim off the larva. In the wintertime I have to keep the roadkills in my basement where it’s warm. (The flies love it.)

My cultivated caviar.

I’m feeling rather proud of myself, having developed an environmentally friendly and sustainable way to eat. I have no plans to make a business of this and happy to share my bounty.

Shoot me an email if you’d like to come over to enjoy a caviar smoothie and take home some some gumbo.

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