07 Feb 2022


He’s an icon, representing legions of loyal Americans who have no need to think or doubt the flawless greatness of their country, but not the assholes on the other side of the aisle. Somehow the phrase “America the Beautiful” became very popular years ago and everyone is familiar with it. I think there is a song or a poem or a commercial that uses it. Sounds nice. If you drive far enough away from urban and suburban areas you can […]

06 Feb 2022


Neighbors are supposed to be neighborly. That’s where the word comes from. “…of, relating to, or characteristic of congenial neighbors. Friendly.” Not quite. This is America. Roger and Fred have been neighbors for years and so far have tried to kill or seriously injure the other since at least 2016. I forget exactly what happened in 2016 but it was pretty awful. These guys used to share everything; food, tools, cars, underwear, hemorrhoid cream. They were were ‘bro’s.’ Ain’t no […]

05 Feb 2022


Originally Sal and Gloria were going to call their place Zen and the Art of Peacekeepers but that whole “Zen and the Art of” thing has been beaten to death (See “Zen and the Art of Beating Book Titles to Death”).Instead they decided to create two businesses to maximize their street cred. Gloria never hesitates to put bullet holes in things or people she feels threatened by. It’s a stand your ground thing. Badly parked cars, small yappy dogs, people […]

04 Feb 2022


Most meat processing was done in China for the longest time We’d grow and kill the pigs, sheep, chickens, goats, donkeys, squirrels, etc. and then ship them frozen to waiting saws and knives in the far east. But when the supply chain started getting strained, entrepreneurs quickly saw an opportunity to bring this processing business back home. To make it cost efficient the processing process was automated as much as possible. It is amazing how much meat can be processed […]

03 Feb 2022


I found his card tacked up on the community bulletin board at the pizzeria. Tim, the Shaman of Noxfeldor, offers surprising good rates for dark arts lessons. Of course, he doesn’t call what he does “dark arks.” That’s so medieval. He prefers to call it thinking outside the new normal paradigm. I started taking lessons a few months ago. We meet once a week in his thatched roof villa on the moors. It’s cozy. Moldy, but cozy. He burns dry […]

02 Feb 2022


I thought it was just an overgrown garden. It used to be a garden before the rift, when the moon was in retrograde and Sagittarius was aligned with Mars. Now it’s a step back in time Lots of rifts tore open back then. You might even have one in your garage behind the old Christmas decorations. I always thought that rifts in time could be very useful, especially if you are an investor. Find out what stocks go up then […]

01 Feb 2022


Lightwater was first discovered in 1981 bubbling out a spring near Interstate 78 where it runs through Calamity Pass in western Pennsylvania. It was found by a hitchhiker, Fietus O’Micmilley who found it in the woods where he stopped to fill his canteen and wash his air mattress. Traffic on the highway was slow, except for tractor trailers roaring by at 85 mph. He knew they wouldn’t stop to pick him up so Fietus decided to take a nap on […]

31 Jan 2022


It is hard to believe, but this stuff is entirely legal in Pennsylvania. It’s off-the-shelf, over-the-counter available everywhere. You don’t need a permit or a prescription. You do need to show ID, though. Kids eat this stuff but they are not allowed to buy it. That wouldn’t be right. This cereal makes a great, breakfast smoothie, for adults. Kids can just eat it raw, from the box, washed down with Coke. For my morning smoothie I blend 12 oz of […]

30 Jan 2022


Humans are essentially just a collection of tubes. Arm tubes and leg tubes attached to the main body tube with a ball at the top. Just like a balloon animal. The best way to keep our tubes healthy is through good nutrition with USDA certified tube food. One of my favorite places at the grocery store is the tube department. Sometimes I browse forever before settling on what tubes I’ll have for dinner. Two or three tubes a day is […]

29 Jan 2022


The coveted Conformity Certification confirms true conformists. Chinese Standard Method, CHSM-1643, specifies conformity. The CHSM Board of Directors authorizes certifications if an applicant can sufficiently verify compliance. I applied for certification but did not know how to adequately demonstrate that I was a conformist. The Board advised me to just do what everyone else was doing. I tirelessly tracked trending topics. They kept changing, so I stopped thinking about it and started to just watch. I got my certification. It […]