I found his card tacked up on the community bulletin board at the pizzeria.

Tim, the Shaman of Noxfeldor, offers surprising good rates for dark arts lessons. Of course, he doesn’t call what he does “dark arks.” That’s so medieval. He prefers to call it thinking outside the new normal paradigm.

I started taking lessons a few months ago. We meet once a week in his thatched roof villa on the moors. It’s cozy. Moldy, but cozy. He burns dry deer turds for warmth which gives the place a nice earthy air. I wish he had a chimney.

Things are going pretty well. My first project was to make a necklace out of frog bones for myself. I wear it all the time and get a lot of compliments. Now we are working on some simple spells. I can now make a ballpoint pen clog up and jam a copy machine. It’s not very impressive but Tim says it’s best to start simple.

When the ground thaws, he promised to take me out grub hunting. If you cook them just right they’ll make you invisible. You have to be carefull, though. Some grubs will turn you bright blue. Tim says that’s what happened to the Blue Man Group, but they made the best of it.

Eventually I hope to have my own villa, but I need to be at least 333 miles away from other shamans. Fortunately, they are all on Google Map so you can see where areas are available. There are a few places in Iowa that look promising.

Maybe I can get people to come over and caucus, when I get all set up. I can serve grubs.

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