Many people are eschewing petrochemical-powered machines in favor of old fashion carbohydrate-powered models. It’s becoming a common site to see someone using a push mower like they did in Little Rascal movies. They hardly work worth a crap, but they’re emission-guilt free.
I’ve also seen people using rakes instead of loud, annoying blowers. They wave their rakes back and forth, fanning their leaves into piles that they then soak in oil and burn. Sometimes they throw in a tire.
Motorized backyard gardening also is a big source of CO2, but there is hope. Back in the 1890s, young suburban mothers cultivated their gardens with baby plows and they’re making a comeback, too. My neighbor has one.
It’s become a bit of a status symbol, especially the old ones. If you are lucky you might find one in an antique store or you can steal one left in a driveway unattended.
If you steal one, please leave a note so the mother knows where to find the baby.…
Growing up, I had friends who taped together tin cans to make a long tube that was sealed off at one end. They stuffed a tennis ball in the other end, squirted in some lighter fluid, held a match to it and VOOMPH! the tennis ball was projected across the room.
About 30 years later, I learned that this was called a potato cannon. (I’m culturally illiterate and slow to catch up.) Over the years potato cannons have become much more than tin cans taped together.
They’ve gone commercial. You can buy all kinds of these on the internet including large shoulder-mounted ones (potato bazookas). Why make something when you can just buy it? Jeff Bezos wants to take more rocket ship rides.
Of course, if you want to be real, you can go beyond Chinese-made models and build yourself a beastly powerful cannon and fire pumpkins. Instead of lighter fluid it uses hydrogen ethyl ether and can launch a good size pumpkin up to a mile. It can do bowling balls, too.
It’s great for returning unwanted gifts.
…
At first, I thought these were just safety pins. A few crusty, rusty sources of tetanus.
It doesn’t appear that they are being used to keep the ear attached, so I assumed they were just ornamental. “Oh! What fools we mortals be, whence we blighteth thy neighbor’s lobe.”
I should have known better. Seriously, who would stick safety pins in their ears for no reason? These are actually high powered micro-transceivers. Very high tech.
Each of the four receivers is tuned to a different frequency span. The first one picks up the internet via a satellite link. URLs are selected verbally or telepathically and projected on a pair of glasses (reminiscent of Google Glasses). Micro speakers are embedded in each ear.
The second transceiver is tuned to a classified frequency known only to the user.
The third transceiver serves as a communication device allowing the user verbal contact with his classified contacts or order takeout. It does not rely on cell towers and is untraceable. You can also play games on it.
The fourth transceiver picks up AM, mostly talk radio stations.
They really pretty rusty, too. …
It’s just a big black rock. So why is it in a temple and why do people worship it? I learned why –
The first time I visited, I took this photo. I swear that there was a hooded priest sitting in the vacant chair, but he/she did not come out in the photo. Maybe I should have used film. –
There was a strange but very pleasant vibe in the rock room. It felt warm, almost tingly. I could feel my muscles relax and my mind calm down. My eyelids started to droop but I didn’t feel sleepy. My heart slowed down and I felt light, almost like I was floating. –
I found myself smiling and slowly circling the stone in a graceful, rhythmic way to music I could hear in my head. I drifted into a dreamlike state and visions appeared offering wisdom and life guidance. –
When I closed my eyes, I felt like I was lifted into another dimension. When I opened them, I was suddenly outside the temple. No mind music and the visions had faded. What the hell? –
I hadn’t eaten any mushrooms, peyote, ayahuasca, LSD, MDMA, smoked herb, swallowed opiates, sniffed glue, injected horse or licked any toads (at least not the day I was there). I’ve returned many times and each time I had the same experience. –
It transformed me. I bought a hooded robe and I wear it all the time. I shave my entire body and paint my legs green. I live entirely on a diet of acorns and varnish. I, too now worship the black stone. –
If you’d like to visit the temple and experience what I’ve experienced, just let me know telepathically and I’ll think directions to you.…
For my whole life I was confused about Christmas. One story is about a holy baby in the mideast and the other is about a generous man in a red suit from the arctic. Which one is true? You’ll find people who say both stories are myths but they aren’t.
Anthropologists and archeologists have found evidence that there was a fourth wise man who travelled to Bethlehem bearing gifts. He had a whole sack of them for the baby, mostly toys and some colorful onesies.
In a blatant show of prejudice, the arctic wise man was barred from entering the manger to offer his gifts. He was considered to be unclean, undesirable and unworthy. He laughed to much, his eyes twinkled (was it drugs?) and his weird looking team of camels had antlers.
History is imperfect and frequently distorted by those who want to control the narrative. As a result the arctic wise man was totally left out of the Christmas story. However, scientists are relentless in uncovering truths and we can thank them for unearthing evidence of reindeer footprints, sleigh tracks and a sack of toys at the site of the manger.…
Make your house a beacon for the flying saint, Saint Nicholas (knicknamed Sinter Klaas by the Dutch and commercialized as Santa Claus by Coca Cola). If you ever wondered how he and his reindeer fly? Just gobble down some Amanita muscaria and wonder no more.
Legend has it that Santa learned to fly in the far northern regions of Siberia wolfing down shrooms and guided by shamans. Each year he gathers up all the toys banged out by his elves and takes a magical, mystery tour around the world.
The elves stay home enjoying rum-spiked hot chocolate and powdered mini donuts. They’re already magical…
COVID continues to surprize but not delight us. It is giving us all a crash course in genetic mutation. The Delta and Omicron variants are sweeping the globe and dominating the headlines, but there are certainly more variants out there that don’t make the news, maybe because they affect smaller populations or aren’t dangerous to humans.
The FIAT variant is one of the more unusual mutations. Not only are the viruses incredibly large, they only seem to infect tiny cars. Symptoms are relatively mild: difficulty starting, embarrassing backfires and acne. Currently, it is not know if cars infected will suffer long FIAT.
Automakers have been working on a vaccine but their efforts are feeble. Tiny cars are a minority and projected profits from a vaccine for them is not likely to exceed the cost of development. Of course we all know this will change dramatically if the FIAT variant mutates into an SUV variant. …
Monsieur Merdestupide is by far the world’s most prolific swallower. It’s a questionable talent perhaps, but he makes a decent living at it touring Europe throughout the summer months swallowing typical things like broken glass, nails, rusty cans, small animals, etc.
Recently, a rivel emerged challenging Merdestupide’s supremacy. Géant Connards swallowed everything Merdestupide did and did it with flair. Sometimes he’d even load both ends of his gastrointestinal tract (not something I’d enjoy seeing).
To regain his standing in September of this year, Merdestupide staged his biggest swallow by downing a table full of sporting equipment, a shovel and some sundry items. It was amazing. You can see his act on YouTube.
He didn’t even burp.…
(Author’s note: This blog was inadvertently published on December 18th. D’oh! I am publishing it again with more content.)
Happy Solar New Year! We’ve made it around the sun one more time, dodging comets, rouge asteroids and unfriendly aliens. Yosemite hasn’t blown up and California is still attached. So far, so good.
Celebrating the Solstice dates back forever, way beyond recorded history. Back to the Neolithic Age and probably before as far back as the Paleolithic.
We celebrate by dancing with fire, man’s best friend and fiercest element. When we learned to use fire about 1.5 million years ago, we started cooking our food and our Homo erectus brains grew.
We evolved. After days of hunting, gathering and tending to our collective needs we gathered around the fire for warmth and companionship. Languages developed. We became story tellers.
Gather around your solstice fire, tell stories and celebrate the dawn of another year.…
While taking a walk one weekend morning, I heard a buzz coming from behind me. I thought it was a car and turned around to see a small group of men on bikes approaching me.
Each of them had modified their bikes to play a melody using playing cards stuck in the spokes of their wheels. As they rode they loudly hummed along (none of them in tune).
When I took their photo, they stopped to chat in very heavy east european accents. They asked if I was a policeman (hardly!). When satisfied that I wasn’t surveilling them, they explained that they were Екі доңғалақты гармонизаторлар and were touring the world.
They said they were lost.
…