Attendance was down at the little chapel on the highway leading out of town. People were losing interest. Services were boring and the doughnuts afterwards were stale. Old Paster Lucas never threw out the uneaten ones and kept serving them. They dated back several years. He recycled the coffee too. It had things growing in it.
Although ancient and seemingly feeble, Paster Lucas had a deeply held secret.
In his youth he became a pagan demon with horns and a tail and really bad breath. There are pictures of him in the church but people just assume these are photos of visiting demons that had been simply banished back to the underworld with the fertility gods. They figured his breath was from drinking the coffee.
Paster Lucas made regular trips to the underworld each winter. The gates to hell are under Mara Del Lago. They aren’t locked and there’s always a lot of traffic in and out.
Demons have figured out how to hide their horns with comb-overs and most of them have had their tails bobbed. You can’t tell who is a demon and who is just acting like one. They all have bad breath.
After a recent decent to hell and fed up with a tepid church, Paster Lucas began preaching abundance gospel. “God wants you to be bestowed with riches, and you have to go out and get it.” As he raved and ranted the walls of the church shook and the skies rumbled. His parishioners raised their arms and howled, some barked, a few made vroom-vroom car sounds. Many peed in their pants (just a little).
His message resonated. “It is time to take what’s rightfully yours and other people’s shit, too.” Church outings became very popular and profitable. He bought fresh doughnuts.
The Church has it’s own Ebay store and it’s booty is available on Amazon.
Applications are being accepted for summer internships.