Ultra Frankenfood

You can’t go wrong with french fries, especially mega fries.  The bigger the better and leave it to American ingenuity to deliver.

Every culture on earth and beyond cherishes fries and consumes them in massive quantities.

Here in the US we coat them in ketchup and cheese. In the UK, it’s vinegar. The Palooka People in the South Pacific coat them with fermented snail slime. I like mine soaked in Listerine.

Seventy thousand million tons of fries are consumed every year, so it was inevitable that venture capitalists would venture to capitalize on this. Wierich-Fuque was formed and quickly raised $100 million to form Schtrangle Whilly Fries Enterprize (SWFE).

SWFE crunched the numbers and decided using potatoes would not yield sufficient ROI and investigated alternatives.  The obvious answer was to use corn instead.  3 billion acres of farmland are currently used to grow corn in the US and the industry enjoys copious tax benefits, government grants, free crop insurance, unlimited propaganda budgets and a wonderful reputation for being all American.

With just a few hundred genetic tweaks SWFE invented and patented Mikk Corn.

Mikk Corn is herbicide resistant, kills any insect or animal that may nibble on it, prevents fungus growth and is resistant to rot.  Best of all it can be processed into a thick starchy substance that can be formed into fries of any size.

Unfortunately, it tastes like shit.

Undeterred, SWFE found a way to strip out the natural flavor and replace it with a delicious and soul-satisfying taste using a proprietary blend of phenols, esters and phthalates.  When deep fried in SWFE’s synthetic palm oil and lightly salted, people cannot stop eating them.

Chances are that you’ve enjoyed them if you’ve eaten any fries at any fast food place, diner or restaurant.-SWFE briefly experimented with mega fries, producing giant ones to satisfy the American appetite but the cost of the gallon size packets of ketchup them proved to be uneconomic.

SWFE was bought out by Monsanto for 350 billion dollars in 2020.

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