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25 Jan 2022

BLACK ROCK LOOKOUT

The Black Rock monastery is carved into a massive rock mountain, deep, deep in the Everglade. It is an isolated and forbidding place. Its lookout tower soars high above the secretive entrance to the monastery and has a 360 degree unobstructed view for hundreds of miles. It is manned 24 hours a day by Black Rock monks equipped with laser-guided gas grenade launchers. Anyone who comes within view of the rock is immediately gassed with hydrogen dioxide oximalithate which renders […]

24 Jan 2022

LIB ERADICATOR

Don’t call him a pied piper. He’ll punch you in the crotch. He sees himself more as an assassin. When the pandemic hit in 2020 Reednik, TX  out on the edge of the Chihuahuan Desert started seeing an influx of remote workers, mostly techies from California.  Reednik is a decent town with excellent infrastructure and a low cost of living. At first locals were OK with a few new neighbors.  They added to the tax base and shopped locally.  They […]

23 Jan 2022

CICADA NECTAR

Cicadas emerge every year, burrowing up from the soil, molting their old carapaces then taking to wing to find a mate. It’s a one shot deal. Each year is a different brood. This past year, 2021, it was the legendary Brood X, the biggest brood of all. In late spring/early summer about 30 million billion of these happy, horny bugs emerged and went nuts, flying around, singing and fucking. What’s not commonly known about them is how sweet they are. […]

22 Jan 2022

ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION SHACK

A few years ago, everyone was freaked out about electromagnetic radiation. Being in an electromagnetic field (EMF) too long would turn your insides to jelly or so they said. It doesn’t.  It mainly only affects the brain.  It does turn it into mush, it makes it mushier and in a good way.  None of this has been studied or proven but who are you going to believe? Thoughts are billions of tiny electric sparks jumping from neuron to neuron.  If […]

21 Jan 2022

WILD COWS (Bovine americanus)

It isn’t true that the colonist wipe out native cows. They are relatively small, their numbers are greatly reduced, but they can still be found in certain areas if you know how to look. Very often they are mistaken for deer. They are the same color but are squatter, have shorter, thicker necks, horns instead of antlers, long tails and they fart a lot. Their scat is significantly different, too. Deer poop consist of pellets and look a little like […]

20 Jan 2022

FULL SPECTRUM PEST CONTROL

There was a time when if you wanted to wipe out all the living creatures in your house had to wrap it up and pump in sulfuryl fluoride or some other equally lethal gas. Horrible stuff. Bad for the environment, bad for people. Just bad, bad, bad. Dietrich has an alternative. It’s an all-natural, organic, wholistic, pet-friendly , low-cost, effective approach. He calls it “Fungteria®.” It’s his own invention. No toxic chemicals, no fumes, no tent, no EPA approval. Fungteria® […]

19 Jan 2022

DIY ELECTRIC TRUCK

Now that it costs about $500 to fill your truck, many pick-em-up drivers are making the leap to electric even if they have to do it themselves. Larry and Earl, brothers who live in out in Kebunk County, Iowa, did not want to shell out $40-60 grand for an electric truck when they knew they could build their own. They’d seen plenty of YouTube videos and it really wasn’t that hard as long as you could get the parts. They […]

18 Jan 2022

MASK VIGILANTE

Frank used to be a masked vigilante.  He was a Zorro with a yellow mask, orange tights, a teal sash and a red do-rag. He carried a saber and he knew how to use it. The authorities did not officially approve of his candle cutting and bad guy scaring but crime was almost non-existent because of him so they looked the other way.  What the hell, he saved them a ton of paperwork. After a while there was no crime […]

17 Jan 2022

SUS, THE MINDFUL SWINE

Sus was a reluctant but gracious guru. Sus credited his mother, Suidae, with his insights and ability to communicate with humans and other species. When she was a piglet, her farmer caretaker always left the radio on in the barn, thinking it kept the animals company. The radio was tuned to sports talk radio and the animal found it annoying. The hosts were mostly empty-headed morons, and the animals couldn’t call in to challenge their vacuous opinions and sophomoric insights. […]

16 Jan 2022

HOME DRY CLEANING

How many of your best garments are labelled “Dry Clean Only?” I usually only wear jeans, sweatshirts and cheap polyester polos but I do have a nice suit. It cost me 40 bucks at the local thrift store and is one of them “dry clean only” garments. One day when I was eating some mega fries, I spilled a bucket of ketchup on it. The red ketchup went well with the yellow suit but it got really crusty when it […]